My stomach turned over. My hands were like magnets, not wanting to let go of the handle. I was shaking like an earthquake. The fatal rollercoaster had begun. The ride zoomed around a corner leading to a long white track going up. It carried me so high I was nearly in the dark, dreamy space. “I am DOOMED!” I thought. “If a rollercoaster goes up that means that it’ll go…” I gulped.
I was sweating like mad by now. Sweat was just spurting and spitting like a volcano. I just couldn’t say it. I just couldn’t. I squeezed my eyes shut and I clutched the handle so hard, I would guess that I would have been stronger than Hercules! I held my breath as the deathly rollercoaster tilted downward. “Okay, this is defiantly the end of my life now.” The fire red rollercoaster raced down as I screamed so loud the whole world could probably hear.
This is the worse part, the ride did a massive loop which really annoyed my stomach. I felt that I would throw up in any minute.
The rollercoaster did two frightening cork screws and that made me scream like and elephant getting an injection. “Come on please finish now!” Then a miracle happened. I couldn’t believe my luck. The brakes went on. EEEEEEEEEE!!!
And the unbelievably scary rollercoaster narrowed to the starting point. When it reached inside, the handle bars robotically rose up. “Phew!” I thought, “I am never doing that again!” But just as I was getting out, the bars went down.
“OH NO!” My stomach turned over. I shook like an earthquake. “Oh great, here I go again!
Hi Emily!!!!
16 years ago
1 comment:
I can't believe i'm the first one to comment on your great writing!
I can write a suitable title that will engage readers. Very suitable!
I can hook my audience by starting at the moment. Definitely, I was hooked right from the start!
I can sequence ideas and organise them into paragraphs. This looks excellent Maria.
I can use a variety of language features to enhance my witing and engage my audience. Loads of imagery, simile and description
I can use a thesaurus to add more interesting vocabulary. Some great words like 'clutched, fatal, robotically'.
I can use a dictionary to correct mis-spelt words. It all looks good on the spelling front!
I can use correct punctuation in my writing.
Maybe your next learning step could be to look at how to write direct speech. There are a few conventions to learn. Check out Alex's work. He's probably ready for the same learning. Could be a good idea for a writing clinic on a Friday.
This is a great piece of writing Maria. You certainly achieved the success criteria. You certainly won't get me on your rollercoaster!
Mr B
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