I was there standing in the freezing ice cold snow with a snow board and never gone on one before. I looked at the long treadmill that took me up but not very far. I was at the top known I clipped on my snow board and down the hill. And then I got ready to stop but ohh no I don’t know how to stop and it was no use trying because in seconds I was flat on my face lying there freezing just like I have frost bite. I tried again and again but no luck just the same I was almost about to give up but I just had to do it again. So up I went and the most amazing thing happened I did it I got down with out falling over. And after a while I thought if snow boarding is fun skiing must be also me so I got the skies and it was the best thing I have ever done. I was doing it for hours and then my brother said go to the top so I said ok and into the line the line looked long but it went really fast .and then I hopped on and in moments I was up the top. When I looked up down there it didn’t look so far but when I was up there it looked two times longer than it was at the bottom. and then I said 1 2 3 and go my heart was beating like the speed off light just how fast I was going down down and across the place faster than all the pros but then I thought how do I stop and then I saw people swerving so I started to swerve and it worked but not much so I curled up and fell to the side. I was at the bottom and I looked at the time and it was 8.23 and I thought it’s time to go home now.
3 comments:
I can write a suitable title that will engage readers. This is a pretty good title but the story was about skiing really.
I can hook my audience by starting at the moment. I thought you began well. i could picture it in my mind.
I can sequence ideas and organise them into paragraphs. Definitely a next learning step Harry. I think the work we're doing on persuasive writing will help you with this.
I can use a variety of language features to enhance my witing and engage my audience. I like the alliteration, 'the line looked long'. Could you have used a simile somewhere?
I can use a thesaurus to add more interesting vocabulary. Maybe a next learning step Harry
I can use a dictionary to correct mis-spelt words. Looks good
I can use correct punctuation in my writing. Some sentences looked a little long Harry. For example 'And then I got ready to stop but ohh no I don’t know how to stop and it was no use trying because in seconds I was flat on my face lying there freezing just like I have frost bite.'
I think you've made a good effort here Harry. Think about other ways of starting sentences as well as with 'I'.
Well done,
Mr B
harry you need to do your story in paragraphs. daisy
Nice job! You really hooked me in. Next learning step:
Write in paragraphs.
Maria
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