I was so angry the leisure center was closed so off to the hot pools we went. Finally we were there at first mum got angry at the guy at the front desk because he charged my mum $8.00 just to watch us swim. First we went to the lava pools.
SPLASH!!!! I went flying out of the gut buster. I was just about to swim back when BANG. Ouch I started to cry I had just got banged in the stomach by our American student’s feet at full speed. At the end of the day we went to get changed.
Hi Emily!!!!
16 years ago
3 comments:
To be truthal it was okay alesha, it was short and snappy but just a tiny bit too short.
Next learning steps: Make it more interesting and to work on your punctuation
By Neil
I can write a suitable title that will engage readers. It's ok. It describes what it's about.
I can hook my audience by starting at the moment. You have described your feelings and that helps hook me in.
I can sequence ideas and organise them into paragraphs. You have organised your ideas into 2 paragraphs.
I can use a variety of language features to enhance my witing and engage my audience. Using deeper features like similes, alliteration etc could be a good next learning step for you Alesha.
I can use a thesaurus to add more interesting vocabulary. Could you think of another word for 'angry'? Maybe, boiling, fuming.
I can use a dictionary to correct mis-spelt words. In NZ we spell it centre rather than center.
I can use correct punctuation in my writing. I'd put an exclamation mark after BANG!
I look forward to your next contribution.
Mr B
Alesha, really liked your work and I noticed you used paragraphs,but next time try to put in a couple of pauses like inbetween 'closed' and 'so' so it makes more sense.
Aimee
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