Hi Emily!!!!
16 years ago
Friday, July 25, 2008
The Luge by Ella (personal recount)
Zoom beep crash bang. The track was right in front of me. As I speed up my sharp wheels curved like feathers on an eagle. All I was focusing on was the end. I and my dad where neck to neck I banged my dads cart crash!!!!!!!!!!!! Bang I won wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Want another race a no thanks.
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3 comments:
I can write a suitable title that will engage readers. Your title told us about your topic which is good.
I can hook my audience by starting at the moment. I was hooked with you first sentence.
I can sequence ideas and organise them into paragraphs. This could be a next learning step Ella.
I can use a variety of language features to enhance my witing and engage my audience. I love your simile, 'like feathers on an eagle'.
I can use a dictionary to correct mis-spelt words. Spelling looks good!
I can use correct punctuation in my writing. Use a ? after 'Want another race?, as it's a question.
A good effort Ella. Maybe have another go and try to write a little more.
Well done,
Mr B
You have done well ella and and some great words but try to make the story longer.
From Luke.
Ella i really like how it's nice and short so i could read it quite alot because it is not like a long story that you have toreadand readall the time well done.
by HARRY
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