My hand were shaking, my feet were slipping I felt like an ice cube sliding across the floor. Up and up the treacherous pegs went. “I feel like a person who just got scared by a ghost” I said to my self.
“I can do it I will, I must, I just have to make it.” Finally after all that perseverance and taking risks I made it to the top. “WOW! It’s so high up here!” I said to myself.
Now my feet were really trembling. I was sticking to the pole like a snail on the pavement. I was getting strapped in then finally the moment came. My heart was beating like rhinoceroses charging through a quiet town at night.
“O.K, I can do this, I will jump.”
For a second there I thought my heart might jump out of my chest.
I leaned backwards and….
I was off flying. Hooning down the super fox.
(it was so fast I felt like a bullet slicing through the cool air.)
my hair was flying back and I was getting a major wedgie!
Suddenly I started slowing down like a puppy drifting off to sleep.
Then I stopped, wondering what I should do.
Hi Emily!!!!
16 years ago
10 comments:
Wow! This is great Alex. I liked your simeles. Think about your Capitals and Full Stops.
Sam
Do you know alex, that this is the best thing ever?
Love the similes and all those adjectives
Next learning step: Try to make it a bit more interesting with alleteration and all that sort of stuff.
From Neil
Wow! This is great Alex. I liked your simlies. Think about your Capitals and Full Stops.
Sam
good job alex just like neil love the similes and all those adjectives
make it make senses at the start.
sammy
I can write a suitable title that will engage readers. Great titile Alex. Very engaging
I can hook my audience by starting at the moment. Definitely, i was hooked right from the start!
I can sequence ideas and organise them into paragraphs. You've got your ideas in sequence and are starting to use paragraphs.
I can use a variety of language features to enhance my witing and engage my audience. Lots of imagery like similes. You really show us your feelings.
I can use a thesaurus to add more interesting vocabulary. You ahve used some great words like treacherous & perseverance, but this could be something to work on.
I can use a dictionary to correct mis-spelt words. Looks good
I can use correct punctuation in my writing. You've started to use direct speech which is awesome. this is certainly a good next learning step as there are a few conventions to learn.
Great work Alex
Mr B
I can write a suitable title that will engage readers.
you really engaged me with your title.
I can hook my audience by starting at the moment.
it was great it really hooked me in especially your first sentence.
I can sequence ideas and organise them into paragraphs.
you did great with your paragraphs.
I can use a variety of language features to enhance my witing and engage my audience.
i really like the words you have used in this piece of writing it has hooked me in.
I can use a thesaurus to add more interesting vocabulary.
great words alex.
Alesha
i like the way you described your feelings you couild think about full stops and capital letters.
daisy
very good alex you used paragraphs in your writing.i really liked how you told me how you felt.
by Harry.
Great work alex I really liked your story. It really hooked me in.
From Luke.
What a fascinating story and so well written. I was engaged in your story right from the start and your descriptions were very real. Well done Alex.
Lorraine Bretnall
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